Why You Feel Guilty for Prioritizing Your Own Needs (And How to Tap Through It)

With Insights from Dr. Laurie Santos, Yale Psychology Professor and Host of The Happiness Lab

The Many Faces of Self-Care Guilt

Self-care guilt doesn’t have just one face. For some, it’s a sharp voice in the back of the mind. For others, it’s a heavy blanket they can’t throw off. It might show up when you try to rest, when you say no, or even when you dare to want something for yourself.

Dr. Laurie Santos calls it exactly what it is—a learned reflex, not a moral truth. And that means it can be unlearned.

You might think you’re alone in feeling it. You’re not.

Meet three people—different lives, different histories—bound by the same invisible chain. And see how, step by step, they start breaking free.

Elena — The Reliable One

The Struggle

Elena is the friend everyone counts on. She’s the first to say yes when someone needs help moving, a listening ear at midnight, a ride to the airport at dawn. But on this Saturday, she’s made a radical decision: an afternoon just for her. She pours tea, pulls a blanket over her legs, and opens the novel she hasn’t touched in months.

Then—buzz. A text from her sister: “Hey, any chance you can help me clean the garage today? It’s such a mess.”

Elena stares at the phone, her stomach knotting. She can feel the “yes” forming before she’s even thought about it. The guilt whispers: If you don’t help, what kind of sister are you?

The Breaking Point

It isn’t the garage request that breaks her—it’s the realization that she’s spent years abandoning her own plans for everyone else’s. Her tea goes cold while she debates texting back. And in that stillness, she feels it: exhaustion in her bones.

The Insight

Dr. Santos’s words come to mind: “Guilt isn’t your moral compass—it’s a habit.” If it’s a habit, Elena thinks, maybe she can learn a different one.

EFT Tapping — Elena’s “First No”

Trigger: Fear of letting loved ones down.

Setup (Karate Chop): “Even though saying no makes me feel like a bad sister, I’m allowed to protect my time. Even though I fear they’ll think I don’t care, I can still love them and love myself. Even though it feels uncomfortable, I choose to honor my needs.”

Sequence:

EB: “This fear of disappointing her.”

SE: “This belief that saying yes is the only way to prove love.”

UE: “The heaviness in my chest when I want to say no.”

UN: “I’ve been on call my whole life.”

CH: “It’s safe to set one small boundary.”

CB: “Love doesn’t mean constant availability.”

UA: “I can say no and still be a good sister.”

TH: “My worth is not measured by my yes.”

Redemption Moment

Elena sends: “Can’t today—hope it goes well.” Her heart pounds, but something in her shoulders relaxes. She sips her tea while it’s still hot. The novel waits, open on her lap. For the first time in months, she feels her own company.

Elena’s story is familiar to anyone who’s been the dependable one—until it nearly broke them. But self-care guilt doesn’t just hit friends and family helpers. It can wrap itself just as tightly around people whose identity is tied to providing. That’s where Daniel’s story begins.

Daniel — The Provider

The Struggle

Daniel works long hours as a project manager. He’s the sole income for his household, and he wears that role like armor. He tells himself he can rest after the next deadline, after the bonus, after the kids are grown. But tonight, his chest feels tight, his mind is fogged, and his teenage son just asked if they could hang out this weekend.

Daniel’s first thought: I should say yes. His second thought: I don’t have it in me. And right on cue, guilt appears: Good dads don’t need breaks from their kids.

The Breaking Point

At 2 a.m., he’s still awake, scrolling emails. His head aches. His wife stirs and asks if he’s coming to bed. He mumbles “soon,” but the truth is, he doesn’t remember the last time he didn’t feel this tired.

The Insight

When he hears Dr. Santos explain that self-care is not selfish but essential to showing up fully for others, something clicks. If his well-being fuels his capacity to care, then running himself down is actually the less generous choice.

EFT Tapping — Daniel’s “Permission to Rest”

Trigger: Belief that pausing is neglecting responsibilities.

Setup: “Even though stopping feels like I’m failing my family, I choose to believe rest makes me a better dad. Even though I fear things will fall apart without me, I am allowed to recharge. Even though it’s hard to let go, I give myself permission to stop.”

Sequence:

EB: “This fear of letting someone down.”

SE: “The belief that I have to keep going no matter what.”

UE: “The tension in my chest that never goes away.”

UN: “Always on, always needed.”

CH: “It’s okay to turn off.”

CB: “Rest is part of providing.”

UA: “It’s safe to stop for tonight.”

TH: “I can rest and still be a good father.”

Redemption Moment

That weekend, Daniel takes his son to the park—not because he forced himself, but because he had energy. They throw a football until the sun dips low, and for once, he’s not thinking about Monday.

Daniel’s guilt came from the belief that stopping was failing. But some people are taught from childhood that the only good way to live is to give until you’re empty. For them, guilt isn’t just a voice—it’s the air they breathe. Aisha knows that feeling well.

Aisha — The Helper

The Struggle

Aisha is a nurse. She works twelve-hour shifts, then comes home to care for her elderly mother. Her friends call her an “angel,” but the halo feels more like a choke chain. One evening, her coworker asks if she can cover a shift. Aisha’s voice says yes before her brain catches up.

By the time she gets home that night, her body feels like a bag of stones. She sits in the dark kitchen, still in her scrubs, wondering if she’ll ever feel rested again.

The Breaking Point

Her mother shuffles in and asks if she’s okay. Aisha smiles, says she’s fine, but tears burn behind her eyes. The truth is, she’s not fine. She’s running on fumes.

The Insight

Hearing Dr. Santos say, “Your well-being and your ability to care for others are inseparable” feels like a revelation and a rebuke. She realizes she’s been running on empty for so long, she’s forgotten what full feels like.

EFT Tapping — Aisha’s “Letting Go of Martyrdom”

Trigger: Belief that self-sacrifice is the only way to be good.

Setup: “Even though I feel like I must give until I’m empty, I choose to believe my needs matter too. Even though part of me fears being seen as selfish, I’m open to caring for myself. Even though self-care feels like betrayal, I choose to believe it’s love.”

Sequence:

EB: “This belief I must put everyone first.”

SE: “The guilt when I rest.”

UE: “The pressure to be the strong one.”

UN: “I’m tired of carrying it all.”

CH: “It’s okay to need care, too.”

CB: “My needs are valid.”

UA: “I can fill my cup before pouring out.”

TH: “Caring for me is caring for them.”

Redemption Moment

Aisha takes a Sunday morning for herself. She walks in the park, buys a coffee, and sits under a tree. Her phone buzzes with requests—she ignores it for an hour. For once, she doesn’t feel guilty. She feels alive.

What They All Learned

Different lives. Different triggers. Same truth: self-care guilt is learned—and it can be unlearned.

Every tapping round is a small act of rebellion against the old rules.

Every pause, every no, every kind word to yourself is a step toward giving from overflow instead of depletion.

Closing: The New Agreement

The old agreement said: You’re only good if you give until you’re empty.

The new agreement says: You are good because you are here—whole, rested, and ready to give from a place of love.

Guilt may still whisper. But you don’t have to obey.